A little over one year ago I came back from SoCal. Still can't believe how fast time flies by. A lot has happened last year. I passed my bachelor exam, I went on an awesome Surftrip to France and Spain, I moved from Munich to Mainz and back to Mayen, I met a lot new friends and many more things I will talk about another time.
Right now my life has a lot of ups and downs and it kinda feels like I am loosing my way a little, loosing the joy of life, especially during my bad days. It is so hard to snap out of it! Much harder than on any bad day in Cali.
I was so happy and strong after I returned from Cali but it feels like all this strenght, confidence and joy is blown away. I just read some posts I wrote during my time abroad. I could see, read and feel the strength I had while writing the posts. It was stunning to realize that all of this is in me, how happy, and joyful I was. I know all of it, I just cannot feel it right now. But it is somewhere inside of me and I will get back to it as soon as I am ready.
A couple of weeks ago I wrote "why was it so easy for me to trust in everything while I was in Cali and why isn't it working since I am back here in germany?" on a piece of paper. It feels like the longer I am here the more I fall back into my old routines, being fearful, not trusting, planing, expecting things from other people and myself, over-thinking and being moody. Life is planed again. I have to know what I will do when and where. But why does it matter to me again, it did not when I was in America, I simply did not give a shit about all this crap (sorry for my english), I could find joy in the smalest things. I just enjoyed the day. Just do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it. Like I already said in one of my recent post "PLANS ARE MADE TO FAIL" anyway, so just GO WITH THE FLOW AGAIN.
But unfortunately it is easier said than done right now. Like I already said, I know it all. I have all the pieces of the puzzle inside of me but right now there is just massive chaos especially when I am having a bad day. I can't feel it, I can't see it. If I try to snap out of my bad day habits it just feels soooo weird. Like I am telling myself without believing it, like I am telling lies. Sure it is totally normal to have a bad day. But recently I am having many bad days, too many... I think the problem is that even I am annoyed of my shitty mood all the time. I know it is all in my head. My head thinks there is nothing cool, special or nice to do here to snap out of having a bad mood or feeling alone and sad. Everytime I had a bad day in SoCal I just went outside with my longboard, spent some time at the beach, took beautiful pictures, walked around, went for a run, enjoyed doing nothing or whatever came into my head. I just made the best out of every situation and fully enjoying it wheather I was alone or not. Even doing nothing was exciting and full of joy in Cali. When I don't have anything to do here I get pissed, I get nervous, I have the feeling I HAVE to do something...anything... But everytime I can think of something my head just says "no matter what you will do it will suck... I will be cold, cloudy, boring..." and then I end up not doing anything and instead thinking about my shitty life(thats what my head says). I just want to simply enjoy my life again, not matter what comes next. Enjoy the little things. Enjoy just relaxing, enjoy doing nothing, enjoy hanging out with friends, on good and bad days... FIND BACK MY JOY!
BUUUUT...Yeah now comes the big BUT (Thanks to my friend Patrick I now have to laugh everytime I hear the word but(t) hahah) and the twist in this story... I am a little proud of myself ...cause the past couple of weeks / months it got a lot better already, almost like before. I am doing things that feel good, like taking long walks, sewing my first stuffed animal or playing the guitar. My head then tries to tell me that I just do all this stuff to make the day pass faster. Well... I just ignore those thoughts as good as I can, because I enjoy doing those things and I don't want my thoughts to ruin it again.
I will find that strength, confidence and joy back, I know that. Patience. This is just a challange to see if I will give up or keep on walking no matter how hard times will be.
What I want to say with this post is: I miss being joyful about the small things in life. About Babys, friends, flowers, animals, candy, food just anything. No Matter how hard times might be!!! Those are the things that make the world a little better everytime you appreciate them. Our 20's are like riding a roller coaster! Just lean back and enjoy the ride with all it's ups and downs! Pin It Now!
"I was so happy and strong after I returned from Cali but it feels like all this strength, confidence and joy is blown away. I just read some posts I wrote during my time abroad. I could see, read and feel the strength I had while writing the posts. It was stunning to realize that all of this is in me, how happy, and joyful I was. [...] It feels like the longer I am here the more I fall back into my old routines, being fearful, not trusting, planing, expecting things from other people and myself, over-thinking and being moody."
AntwortenLöschenOh Kim, I know that feeling! It was the same for me when I recently came back from Swaziland.. I suppose here in Germany, in our "real" lives, we just get sucked back into this way of live again. We are surrounded by it everywhere we go. Everyone we know, or at least most people (have to) live this "planned" life. We practically get bombarded with it by society, media and our general culture. When you are abroad, more or less "on vacation", it is way easier to just let go of it all.
This might also be because we grew up here, so everything we know in Germany is associated with this way of life. In completely new surroundings it is much easier to adopt a new attitude, to gain a different perspective.
Right now I am still "holding on" to the perspectives I gained on my short trip, but I can feel the "spirit" I brought back with me getting weaker. Anyhow, I am sure the core of it will stay. We have learnt something, and you don't forget these things easily! As you said:
" I know all of it, I just cannot feel it right now. But it is somewhere inside of me and I will get back to it as soon as I am ready."
I've been trying to remember what I did differently when I was in Africa compared to now, and I think the most important thing is: not trying. Just going with it.
This is of course way easier when you are in sunny California or Swaziland, and, as I said, here the old habits of "trying" get back to you. But just being aware of the fact that my surroundings here make it harder to live and feel the way I want to (especially in comparison) has given me confidence, so I stopped doubting my ability and instead started seeing a new challenge. So lets take it HEAD ON ;) !
So..: MAYBE you are just trying to hard to be "joyful", to get into the SoCal state of mind again. This is not SoCal.. so maybe just go with what life here throws at you ;). I'm just saying this because I know I do this from time to time. I notice that somehow I'm not as happy, as much "in the flow" as I've been before, and then I start to think about what I am doing "wrong", I put even more effort into getting back into that state instead of just "going with the flow" of my present situation.
"When you try to stay on the surface of the water, you sink; but when you try to sink you float. When you hold your breath you lose it - which immediately calls to mind an ancient and much neglected saying, "Whosoever would save his soul shall lose it." - Alan Watts
What you said resonated very strongly with me, so I had to give you my 2 cents, or more like 20 cents :). So maybe there is something of value to you in my wall of text, if only the fact that I can relate to the way you are feeling very well. So, to sum it up, a quote by one of my favorite "wise men" ;).
Keep on riding the roller coaster!
Love,
Tobi
"Life is playfulness, fun, because the whole existence is a tremendous circus. It is all fun ― all the colors of the flowers, so many beautiful animals, birds, clouds, and for no purpose; they don´t serve any purpose. There is no goal to life. Life is a play unto itself. It is sheer abundance of energy, overflowing energy ― existence goes on expanding." - Osho
Also, we are all approaching the age of where we experience the crisis before the mid-life crisis.
AntwortenLöschenIts a transition from the young adult you once were to the full adult you will become.
Just finished school, university, internship, or whatever, and the routing grudge where you are not doing some new every few months.
We are reaching/have reached the peak of the excitement and change in our life, and its gonna level out now. And thats normal, and thats how it is. And we need to accept that and enjoy the relatively high baseline that curve is going to level out on (compared to the people that live in Swaziland for example, and I bet even a bunch of poor motherfuckers that live in Cali)
This stuff is totally normal and we are all just experiencing it for the first time. We all have great lives with people that care about us and we need to stop complaining (also to ourselves) and enjoy it all. Life isn't always sunshine and flowers, especially in Germany. But instead we have ORDNUNG and stable fiat currencies! And lots of other things, of course.
Focus on the good stuff, be a man, and most importantly, be an adult!
Thanks so much guys. It really helped reading your words and see that you know what I am talking about. I am so glad I wrote this post even though I know I am posting my thoughts world wide, but it just felt like the right thing to do. got so much positive feedback already. Maybe we can hang out some time soon, now that I am back in Mayen its not that far away anmore :)
AntwortenLöschenYes! Let's do it!
AntwortenLöschenI do not know if you want the opinion of an old f..k like me, but here it goes.
AntwortenLöschenRe joy:
I am definitely German, when it comes to meaning of words. I guess Joy comes close to "Glück", but I like Glück more. Glück also has to do with Luck. Glück just happens. It cannot be forced, expected, planned or made. All you can do, is set the proper disposition of mind and hope for it to come. And the more you think of it the harder it gets (that reminds me of something else). Have faith in you, your wits, your humor, your looks, your education, your Mom and Dad and your great family. I definitely have faith in your Glück.
I agree with Carsten, that life is difficult for you three at your age. It has been a while, but I can still remember the feeling. School, studying, apprenticeship, etc is a relatively easy time of life. On the one hand you have lots of freedom (I hate to tell you, but most probably the most freedom in your life), but nevertheless you are guided by your company and university and do not have to think what are the next big steps. And now comes the time when the final umbilical cord is cut and you are totally responsible for yourself. I remember that feeling. I definitely know exactly, when I said to myself "No more blaming on my parents, teachers, politicians or fate or whatever. Now it is up to you and you are gonna make this work. Dumber people with less fortune have managed, so so will you". That was when Bettina became pregnant with Tobias and we decided to get married. That was when I became an adult.
"We are reaching/have reached the peak of the excitement and change in our life, and its gonna level out now"
Nope. Kimberly - The roller coaster ride so far has been a walk in the park. You are really in for ups and downs but the ups are so amazing like you just cannot imagine. The downs are "not bad", too, but the ups make them worth while. All I can say now is "Take it from one who has been there"
Love
Chris