A little over one year ago I came back from SoCal. Still can't believe how fast time flies by. A lot has happened last year. I passed my bachelor exam, I went on an awesome Surftrip to France and Spain, I moved from Munich to Mainz and back to Mayen, I met a lot new friends and many more things I will talk about another time.
Right now my life has a lot of ups and downs and it kinda feels like I am loosing my way a little, loosing the joy of life, especially during my bad days. It is so hard to snap out of it! Much harder than on any bad day in Cali.
I was so happy and strong after I returned from Cali but it feels like all this strenght, confidence and joy is blown away. I just read some posts I wrote during my time abroad. I could see, read and feel the strength I had while writing the posts. It was stunning to realize that all of this is in me, how happy, and joyful I was. I know all of it, I just cannot feel it right now. But it is somewhere inside of me and I will get back to it as soon as I am ready.
A couple of weeks ago I wrote "why was it so easy for me to trust in everything while I was in Cali and why isn't it working since I am back here in germany?" on a piece of paper. It feels like the longer I am here the more I fall back into my old routines, being fearful, not trusting, planing, expecting things from other people and myself, over-thinking and being moody. Life is planed again. I have to know what I will do when and where. But why does it matter to me again, it did not when I was in America, I simply did not give a shit about all this crap (sorry for my english), I could find joy in the smalest things. I just enjoyed the day. Just do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it. Like I already said in one of my recent post "PLANS ARE MADE TO FAIL" anyway, so just GO WITH THE FLOW AGAIN.
But unfortunately it is easier said than done right now. Like I already said, I know it all. I have all the pieces of the puzzle inside of me but right now there is just massive chaos especially when I am having a bad day. I can't feel it, I can't see it. If I try to snap out of my bad day habits it just feels soooo weird. Like I am telling myself without believing it, like I am telling lies. Sure it is totally normal to have a bad day. But recently I am having many bad days, too many... I think the problem is that even I am annoyed of my shitty mood all the time. I know it is all in my head. My head thinks there is nothing cool, special or nice to do here to snap out of having a bad mood or feeling alone and sad. Everytime I had a bad day in SoCal I just went outside with my longboard, spent some time at the beach, took beautiful pictures, walked around, went for a run, enjoyed doing nothing or whatever came into my head. I just made the best out of every situation and fully enjoying it wheather I was alone or not. Even doing nothing was exciting and full of joy in Cali. When I don't have anything to do here I get pissed, I get nervous, I have the feeling I HAVE to do something...anything... But everytime I can think of something my head just says "no matter what you will do it will suck... I will be cold, cloudy, boring..." and then I end up not doing anything and instead thinking about my shitty life(thats what my head says). I just want to simply enjoy my life again, not matter what comes next. Enjoy the little things. Enjoy just relaxing, enjoy doing nothing, enjoy hanging out with friends, on good and bad days... FIND BACK MY JOY!
BUUUUT...Yeah now comes the big BUT (Thanks to my friend Patrick I now have to laugh everytime I hear the word but(t) hahah) and the twist in this story... I am a little proud of myself ...cause the past couple of weeks / months it got a lot better already, almost like before. I am doing things that feel good, like taking long walks, sewing my first stuffed animal or playing the guitar. My head then tries to tell me that I just do all this stuff to make the day pass faster. Well... I just ignore those thoughts as good as I can, because I enjoy doing those things and I don't want my thoughts to ruin it again.
I will find that strength, confidence and joy back, I know that. Patience. This is just a challange to see if I will give up or keep on walking no matter how hard times will be.
What I want to say with this post is: I miss being joyful about the small things in life. About Babys, friends, flowers, animals, candy, food just anything. No Matter how hard times might be!!! Those are the things that make the world a little better everytime you appreciate them. Our 20's are like riding a roller coaster! Just lean back and enjoy the ride with all it's ups and downs! Pin It Now!
